Friday, 28 January 2011

Through the eyes of my child

When James looks at me, his look is so direct and so deep, it is as though he is merging with me.  I feel as if he is almost eating me in.  

They say that the eyes are the windows to the soul, and he is looking at me with his Soul Eyes.  At just three months, his soul has not yet been distanced by the thoughts and fears that make my soul seem so much more remote.  He and his soul are still one, still dancing intimately together.

When others look at me, there is more distance between us.  We are separated from each other by our thoughts and fears.  Our guard is up, even in our eyes.  I never even think to take my guard down when I look in the eyes of others.  

Nor do I think of becoming vulnerable by allowing them in, I don’t really allow them to see right through me and into the depths of my soul.  I look at them with my mind, not with my heart and definitely not with my Soul Eyes.

James is so new to life that is simply being.  He’s not protecting himself.  He is living through his heart and soul, not through his mind.  

In a world that has become increasingly anonymous and isolating, his immediacy and directness remind me of how far I have come from the intimacy and love that our gaze can share with another, even a stranger.

Tuesday, 25 January 2011

The dance of values

We were in Madiera last week and, in a toy shop, I saw little Japanese Values Dolls.  The doll I picked up was Harmony.  The card attached said that Harmony can be most clearly seen we embrace Diversity and search for a bigger picture, solutions that attempt to embrace the needs of all.

It got me thinking, values - like love - are clearest when we see them in the context of the opposite value.  Values are counter-balanced. 

We can either attempt to dance with the complexity of that counter-balance, which invites us to grow; in order to perform that dance, we must explore the ideas and beliefs that keep us small and limited.  We are offered the possibility of tapping deeper into the fundamental good that lies within us all.


Monday, 24 January 2011

When the story is bigger than reality

As I said in a previous blog, I'm experimenting with the theme of non-resistance for 2011.  By that I mean, going with the flow, accepting life rather than battling with it and focusing on what is, not what I think ought to be. 

Easier said than done!

As January comes to a close I've realised that most of my resistance comes from the stories in my head, not from external circumstances.  More importantly, I've noticed that the stories I create are actually more powerful then the reality I'm living. 

For example, I can be complaining in my head about the rudeness of a stranger long after that stranger has gone on their way and forgotten me.  The story is bigger than reality.  And the story is more powerful simply because I've given it more power.  I'm living through a story, through fiction, not through my very own reality.

And, I've also decided that I have to be gentle with this.  A lifetime of living through my stories, and focusing on them over and above my reality can't be changed overnight.  So, for now, I'm simply noticing when I'm lost in the story, rather than the reality. 

Apologies for the lack of a photograph - James is crying as he's due a feed so I must dash.

Wednesday, 5 January 2011

New Year's Resolution

Have you ever noticed how much of life you resist?  Even tiny moments.  I've only just beginning to realise it myself.  And here is my New Year's Resolution... to soften my resistance.

I probably can't eradicate it, but it may be feasible for me to soften my resistance.  When things don't go my way the accumulated frustration makes me feel hard and brittle internally.  That never makes life easier!  Nor does it resolve whatever issue is creating the resistance.

I think that learning to live with the present, to accept what is.  I don't mean this as an excuse not to change things that don't work for me, it's more about accepting the present moment while still moving towards the goals I've set for myself.

And there aren't very many goals at the moment - getting through the day is still an achievement for me!  James is asleep right now, hence this scribbled blog which isn't very deep, but I'm on the clock!  So, in essence, for this year I'm attempting to accept life without drama or resistance.  There's more to this than meets the eye, but I can't articulate it yet.

Signing off now!