Wednesday, 20 April 2011
The bigger truth
So it is with some degree of discomfort that I admit to being envious of someone else. Why? What has she got? On the surface, it could be the intimacy of her relationship, or the esteem in which others hold her. Those are the two characteristics I've identified so far.
But, and it's a big but, those are just the start. What is more important, is that I begin to explore what intimacy means to me, not so much how I receive intimacy, but how I share intimacy. Where is her life showing me discord in my personality?
Equally, on the issue of esteem, I cannot control how others view me. Their opinion is theirs. But what this may show me is my desire to be a person of such calibre that others respect and like me. They may already do so, but I'm 'caught', which means that there is something still left undone, some area of myself that needs to be seen and accepted.
The downside of the personal journey is that the inner work has to be done and it's not always fast. After a week of wondering what's 'catching' me, I'm still not clear. But I trust that, with time, I'll come to understand what I see in her that I feel I lack in myself.
Envy is always about ourselves, never about the other person. I'm hoping that by accepting it, rather than hiding from it (as I did in the beginning), I can embrace a bigger truth.