Monday, 7 November 2011
When I turned over the card, it read "Transformation". I was excited. I thought this heralded a new start, wonderful happenings... a lighter brighter me. I was wrong.
I feel as though I have been living in a hall of mirrors for the past two months. Every negative thought, word and deed has been mirrored grotesquely back to me. Last night I told Dirk that I used to think I was a nice person, but all I can see right now is the less-than-beautiful knots in my character. It has started to wear me down. Where does all this meanness, lack of forgiveness, and sarcasm come from?
I felt as though I was going backwards: that is if there is a backwards or forwards in the spiritual journey: until today. This morning I read that when we invite the divine into our lives, when we pray to be transformed so that our light shines more brightly - as I have done - it is not the beauty that comes forth.
It's the muck that lies below the surface that bubbles up, for those are the spots outside comfort zones, the points where we live in fear, not love.
The process of transformation is to burn through those shadows, like the sun evaporating the early morning mist. The ride is bumpy, but the secret, they say, is not to believe in the illusion of the shadows and to focus on the light. It's form of mental discipline to keep returning to the heart, to love and acceptance, each time I stumble into fearful thoughts.
It is a comfort to know that I am on point ... all appearances to the contrary!